THE BEDROOM PHILOSOPHER

| Sound Posted by lisa

Christmas is creeping up awful quick, kids. One minute you’re enjoying the calm of a yule-free season and bam- holly and wreaths and Santa up the wazoo. Come the holy day, some of you will be swilling eggnog- gross- with family at verandah barbeques; some of you will be feeding the cats and eating lamington fingers until you fall back to sleep. Either way, the only carols you’re going to want to hear after eighteen turns of a so-precious children’s choirs’ Come All Ye Faithful (more like Failful, amirite??) in the supermarket is the ones on The Bedroom Philosopher‘s A Very Beddy Christmas EP.

I queried the cheeky and erudite Beddy Phil- Justin Heazelwood on the roll- for his perspective one some of the most famous songs in the world…and some of the most creepy.

Do you find the overall message of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer disconcerting? That the other reindeer only like him when he gets in good with the boss?

If the song was written by an Australian, everyone would love Rudolph until he became successful, then they’d spend all their time bitching behind his back, wondering why they weren’t asked. In America, they really worship success, but here, we distrust it. Australians love an underdog, or an under-reindeer, as it were. It’s in our colonial / convict spirit.

What significance does the traffic cop have in Frosty the Snowman? An underutilized character, perhaps?

Like most heroes, Frosty has a dark side-a fatal flaw, and it seems like his leading the children “right to the traffic cop” is his way of trying to protect them from himself. Frosty knows his days are numbered; that guy has coal-black eyes and a heart of snow. He knows all too well about winter insanity and the cold-blooded Russian terrors of staying in the blizzard too long

Why was Mummy kissing Santa Claus?

Mummy had been drinking. Mummy was very emotional and Mummy had been having feelings of detachment from Daddy for some time. Santa was paying her special attention and the combination of the fire, the nog and his broad, fire-engine-red shoulders were too much. Santa gives very good massages. He has strong fingers from all the reign pulling and sack handling. She pulled away after a minute and feels awful now.

Why the obsession with “figgy pudding” in We Wish You A Merry Christmas? Surely it’s not good for you.

I think everyone is uncomfortable about the second and third verses to this song – so much so that they’ve been successfully avoided in all the carols I’ve ever been to. “Oh, bring us a figgy pudding / We won’t go until we get some” – it just gets so demanding. The first verse is so friendly and generous, and then it’s like, “Feed us or we’ll invade your home.”

On a related note, what’s with Thornbury Safeway always being sold out of Maggie Beer burnt fig and caramel ice-cream? Seriously, my partner and I rock up there every few days to see when they’re getting more in and it’s all elderflower vanilla and strawberry cream – which are okay, but who wants to settle on gourmet ice cream? When are they going to get Ben and Jerry’s in?

Considering Santa is always watching, and knows whether you are bad or good and judges you thusly, I feel he is likely Jesus in disguise. Discuss.

It’s funny you should mention that. I was hanging around the Myer Christmas windows listening to Guy Sebastian’s rendition of this song over and over- it’s on permanent loop!- and that lyric really stood out. “He sees you when you’re sleeping” – it took me back to being a teenager and feeling nervous about wanking in the bath. There is a bit of a God / Santa connection there.You sit on the Father’s lap and offer yourself up to him and he decides whether you deserve presents (heaven) or no presents (hell).

Perhaps Santa was created by the Catholic Church to prepare kids for the concept of a bearded, omnipotent being reducing their complex lives to a pass or fail grading system and offering them rewards in a separate, yet-to-be-confirmed existence. If only our parents still kept up the ruse and pretended to be God. Imagine Mum outside the door with the rolled-up newspaper saying, “I heard that”, or your Dad sending random texts and emails all in capitals, courtesy of the big guy.

All Justin wants for Christmas is…..?

A three album deal with Dew Process.

The Bedroom Philosopher’s A Very Beddy Christmas EP is available here or on iTunes. Check him out at one of his Northcote Social Club residency shows in December, too:

Tuesday December 13 w/ Choir Straits
Tuesday December 20 w/ Monash University Choir

Words: Lisa Dib

Live image by Cassandra Hannagan from The AU Review. Feature image by Patrick Self.