For an astonishing 84th time, some people you’ve never heard of announced this year’s Oscar nominations. If you’re anything like me and you’ve already put a second mortgage on your house so those bookies you met in that abandoned cannery don’t break your legs- then you could definitely use a win right now. You are in luck, as the following predictions are a sure thing*.
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
Midnight In Paris
The Tree of Life
…And the winner is: War Horse. This is a difficult year for best picture as none of the films nominated were major financial successes. While Hugo has the most nominations overall, unless your movie ends in ‘Of The Rings’ that can end up working against you and splitting the vote. The Academy loves war tragedies, so expect a fathers day box set of War Horse and Saving Private Ryan.
Demián Bichir, A Better Life
George Clooney, The Descendants
Jean Dujardin, The Artist
Gary Oldman, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
Brad Pitt, Moneyball
…And the winner is: Gary Oldman. After decades of being quietly under-appreciated Oldman has scored his first ever nomination. His work as George Smiley lacks the histrionics The Academy usually jump over themselves to reward, but with two difficult-to-pronounce names and the chummy Clooney/Pitt combo on the list they’ll cancel each other out, leaving Oldman with the surprise win.
Glenn Close, Albert Nobbs
Viola Davis, The Help
Rooney Mara, Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady
Michelle Williams, My Week With Marilyn
…And the winner is: Meryl Streep. Here’s a good rule of thumb for picking Best Actress- whoever makes themselves look the most ugly will win. While Glenn Close is arguably uglier since she’s playing a man, only five people saw that movie which leaves Meryl to win her third oscar.
Best Supporting Actor
Kenneth Branagh, My Week With Marilyn
Jonah Hill, Moneyball
Nick Nolte, Warrior
Christopher Plummer, Beginners
Max von Sydow, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
…And the winner is: Christopher Plummer. When in doubt, The Academy usually picks the most senior actor as a sort of de facto lifetime achievement award. Christopher Plummer and Max Von Sydow are both 82, and they’ve both been nominated before, but Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close has had some fairly toxic reviews which should be enough to push Plummer ahead.
Best Supporting Actress
Bérénice Bejo, The Artist
Jessica Chastain, The Help
Melissa Mccarthy, Bridesmaids
Janet McTeer, Albert Nobbs
Octavia Spencer, The Help
…And the winner is: Melissa Mccarthy. Academy judges love movies where white people fix racism, but with two actresses nominated they’ll almost certainly cancel each other out. Critics have been falling overthemselves to praise Melissa Mccarthy to prove that they aren’t sexist, so this will be the first time they’ll admit to having enjoyed a comedy since Annie Hall.
Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist
Alexander Payne, The Descendants
Martin Scorsese, Hugo
Woody Allen, Midnight In Paris
Terrence Malick, The Tree of Life
…And the winner is: Martin Scorcese. Malick’s nomination was a pleasant surprise, but the voters may be reluctant to nominate him after getting confused and falling asleep thirty minutes into the movie. Scorcese already has a win for The Departed, but his beautifully shot tribute to classic cinema will be hard to resist.
Best Original Screenplay
Midnight In Paris
…And the winner is: Midnight In Paris. Woody Allen has made his most crowd-pleasing film in years, and while the acting and direction aren’t stellar it’s it’s still a very entertaining film that the Academy will want to praise somewhere. May as well be here.
Best Adapted Screenplay
The Ides of March
Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
…And the winner is: The Descendants. I’ll be honest, I don’t have a lot to go on here but I want Jim Rash to win so Community can advertise they’ve got Oscar-Winner-Jim-Rash in the cast. Plus, he has impeccable dress sense.
Best Foreign Film
…And the winner is: In Darkness. It has the most Nazis. Since there is absolutely nothing amusing about a Polish war drama, here’s a gif of a cute kitten.
Best Animated Film
A Cat In Paris
Chico and Rita
Kung Fu Panda 2
Puss In Boots
…And the winner is: Rango. It must have been a sad day at the Pixar office when the awards were announced, as 2012 marks the first time since the invention of the category where they were not nominated. The Cars franchise is easily the least interesting thing they’ve produced, but that certainly doesn’t mean Puss in Boots deserves the phrase ‘Oscar nominated’ anywhere near it. Rango is the most visually inventive of the lot, so that’s the most likely choice.
* Should you choose to take my advice and by some terrible twist of fate my predictions turn out to be wrong, the phrase ‘sure thing’ is not considered legally binding.
Alternate Oscar Posters by The Shiznit.
Words: William Godfrey